You have been a huge part of my life for the past four years. First as my friend, then my boyfriend and now my Fiancé. We have come a long way, but I place the blame on you. Because of you I hate sleeping alone, my mornings are a little worse if I don’t get to stroke your beard and I don’t want to dance with anyone else. I know we’re young, but I know what I want and I won’t settle for anyone else but you. You complete me. You give me strength when I feel like I can’t go on and I can’t help but smile around you. Cormac my dear, it’s only once that you meet the love of your life. I met mine in matrices and vectors. I want to tell you that I love you in such a way that there’s no doubt in your mind or anyone elses. You are the one for me. You are a kind, intelligent man, you stand up for what you believe is right and your principles are very important to you. I have a lot of respect for that. You are also a caring, compassionate person. You took a puppy home in your jacket and she is one of the happiest dogs I’ve ever met. You look after me. You care about people and while not everyone can see it, I know you do. Not to mention you are gorgeous. Cormac, I am honoured and privileged to have you in my ife. I honestly don’t know what you see in me. I am so lucky to have found you and I can’t get over the fact that you agreed to marry me. Not only am I enjoying the here and now, but I love forward to our future with excitement and anticipation. I love you with all my heart.
This song seems oddly appropriate right now, even though I’m the opposite of what the song is saying right now.
Today my head hurts and my stomach is rebelling against all my best intentions. It’s my birthday today and I went out last night, Cormac, Orla, Mies, Clancy and Eoin. I drank a little and got to the hyper stage of drunk very quickly.
We danced, I got a pretty French girl to dance with Eoin, who is painfully shy around women. Orla and Clancy proved yet again how fucking cute they are and Mies was girly with me on all the Rhianna, Lady Gaga etc. Cormac never left my side. He danced with me so much he fell asleep on the bus.
I feel satisfied today,content, full, sated, whatever word fits best, I’m not quite sure. This is one of those days where I feel completely loved. It’s a great feeling and everyone should get to experience it once in their lives. We didn’t have sex last night, we didn’t even sleep in the same bed, but having him in the same room while I slept meant the world to me.
Today is a good day. I hope I remember it.
Today I am in college, feeling like slicing into my wrists quite cleanly and precisely. I am studying for my thesis but I can’t focus. I have the potential to go places in my field, but I’m held back by thoughts of nothingness and feeling blank.
Walking up the steps, even though the cherry trees are in full blossom and the leaf buds are ready to explode, all I could picture, was me walking up those steps, in my long navy coat with blood dripping down my sleeves. Dark red droplets contrasting with the concrete pavings, just walking on further with all the people around me not even noticing.
It’s a beautiful day here. I’m going out for my birthday later, but right now, all I want to do, is hide under my desk in the fetal position and not think for a little while longer, then everything will be ok.
I feel crazy. I should be so fucking happy right now, I’m very much in love, I’m finishing my degree and I have friends around me. I can’t explain to myself why I feel like this. It’s not rational, but then there’s a time and a place for everything and maybe right now isn’t the time for being rational. Who really knows this stuff anyway?
I’m not going to do anything stupid, my life is too important to me, I have so much going for me right now. I’m just having a low day.
If tomorrow’s not better, the day after will be. I have a lot of love still to give.